Vicious Cycle

I get so flamin' tired of the dating scene. My parents would say to that: "How can you get tired of something you never do?" Right. I date. Granted, I may not go on a date every week like they want me to, but I date. In fact, I am pretty damn certain I date more than a lot of the guys up here at the school.

(Author's Note: When I say "date" I mean official date. As in it's prepared for, planned, and paid for.)

Here's my problem...I tend to get all worked up over one girl and then focus all my efforts on that option. It usually ends up backfiring on me and not working out the way I hoped. Or, if we do go on a date, I get bummed cause the chemistry just isn't there like I had hoped it would be. In either case, I usually get even more bummed and down on myself for getting so worked up then I go into what I call "girl-hater mode" where I swear off dating for awhile. Then I get all worked up about another girl and the cycle starts again.

I'd been in a long spell of "girl-hater" but, this time, the vicious cycle had taken a turn for the worst. I found that I just couldn't get interested in anybody which was disturbing. Surely there was someone who would catch my eye. While it frustrated my parents that I wasn't excited about dating anymore, it only irritated me even more.

I'm not going to say names...There's this girl that I was interested in for a really long time off and on. Just something about her. At any rate, I finally got the nerve to ask her out. She preferred to "hang out" because she's still talking to her ex (?!?!?). Long story short, everything backfired on me. I saw a glimmer of hope, and now it's out.

This is just a rant. I am trying to figure out where I am in the cycle now. I really don't like being in girl-hater mode. That's no fun. Well, it is at first, but it gets old quick. Marriage is something that I really want to have someday. Hopefully soon.

But at the rate I'm going I'm going to be a 40 year old bachelor. Sick.

25 Random Things About Me

1. I am deathly afraid of sharks even though I live nowhere near water.
2. I can name celebrities in movies and also give you a list of other movies they've been in and actors they've been in movies with. Sad.
3. I can usually see just a scene from a movie and tell you what movie it is even if I haven't seen any or all of the whole movie.
4. Tori Amos is a guilty pleasure of mine.
5. I love Charmed. Don't believe me? Put on an episode and I can tell you the season and the back story that led up to that scene.
6. I will do anything to get out of doing homework. Like make a list of 25 random things about me.
7. I still have crushes.
8. Snow is my arch nemesis.
9. I road rage with the best of them.
10. I'm an uncle three times (Gigi, Morgan, and Wyatt).
11. I want to travel the world, but I want someone to do it with...namely a girl I call my wife.
12. I long to go to Ireland.
13. Secretly (not so secretly now) I enjoy Britney Spears music.
14. Bones has become my newest obsession. I love that show.
15. I hate movies that are spawned from books. The Bourne Identity will always be a traumatic experience for me. I'll watch them, but I won't guarantee myself to like it.
16. I think I have a mild case of insomnia.
17. Math is snow's boss. Both are set out to kill me.
18. I love classic literature (Greek tragedies, Illiad and Odyssey, and the Aeneid).
19. I graduate in April and have no clue what I'm going to do after it.
20. Buffy is nothing like Charmed. Just cause I like Charmed does not mean I will like Buffy.
21. I've never broken a bone in my body (knock on wood!).
22. I work at Deseret Book.
23. I grew up in Roosevelt, UT a.k.a. the armpit of Utah. I don't even bother explaining to people where it is anymore.
24. Barnes and Noble is the third greatest place in the world. First is the temple. Second is my parents' house.
25. Ever since coming home from Florida I cannot tolerate the cold like I used to. I shiver uncontrollably a lot.

Irregardless

Today I heard someone say "irregardless" when they should have said "regardless."

Irregardless makes my head spin because you're negating the regard not just once but two times! Irregardless essentially means regard. Right?

Is this even a word? Am I crazy? Is this just the English major in me talking?

I think so.

From dictionary.com:

Usage Note: Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.

AHA! So it was a blunder!

I feel better now.

Morgan & Wyatt

On January 16, 2009, my sister and her husband welcomed to the world two bundles of joy: Morgan Rico and Wyatt Bruce. Morgan was 2 minutes older than Wyatt. He weighed 5 1/2 lbs. and was 18 1/2 inches long. His brother was a little bigger at 6 1/2 lbs. and 19 1/2 inches. They are adorable and, so far, don't cry very much. All they really do is sleep. I'll post pictures here and on my Facebook page.

1st Picture: Feeding Morgan
2nd Picture: Morgan
3rd Picture: Wyatt
4th picture: Morgan is on the left and Wyatt is on the right.

Snowshoes

Today something miraculous occurred. I actually had a Saturday off work! So my friends Mike, Craig, Kajsa, and Lacey decided that we should all go snowshoeing. I think Mike was actually the brains behind it all. Kajsa is an avid snowshoer so she was excited to go. I was excited, but I was not so keen on getting up early on my day off. We all make sacrifices I guess.

We were going to go up to West Yellowstone (another detail I wasn't too thrilled about simply cause it's so far away) but we ended up stopping an hour before we got there and went to Harriman State Park just north of Ashton.

It was so much fun! We walked around in snow that should have had us buried up to our thighs. As beginners, we all got really wet because the snow would flip up from our shoes.

We tried to keep off the beaten path as much as we could just cause that was more fun, but it was also really hard work.

At one point we were walking along and saw a hump of snow. Mike started walking on it and told me to follow him. I was reluctant but feeling adventurous, so I followed his steps. Suddenly I ended up sinking into the snow to my waist with one foot still left precauriously on the top of the snow. Good times. (Moral of the story: Don't give in to peer pressure!)

I am not fond of snow, but I think I found something that would help me at least tolerate it.

Final Semester

Today I started the last semester of my undergraduate career. It was overwhelming; I'm not going to lie. And it was a really, really long day. I don't know what I was thinking when I planned my schedule, but I have packed my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I'm sure there was some brilliance behind my plan back when I made the schedule, but I failed to see it today.

These are the classes I'm taking this semester. Be jealous. Be very jealous.

Math 110: It's at 9AM. As my sister has said, this is my "white whale." This is the third time around taking this class. Hopefully third time is a charm! My teacher was very impressive and spiritual, and she seems to be willing to bend over backwards for her students.

English 495: This is the Senior Writing Seminar, a.k.a. the Senior Capstone class. I am taking it from Elaine Hawker. She is an amazing teacher; this will be my fourth class I will have taken from her. She teaches a wide variety of things. I took Shakespeare, technical writing, and rhetoric from her. Honestly, I didn't care for her style of teaching when I first had her. She was too sporadic and eccentric for me. It wasn't until I took her tech writing class that I really started to appreciate her style, then in rhetoric I really got to know her better and she is an amazing person and an influential teacher. She's one of those teachers you either love or hate though.

Comm. 352: Persuasion. This is my "fun" class. HA! I might have to rethink the fun part. It's going to be a lot of work. The teacher is in the top three of my favorite professors here: Andra Hansen. This will be my third class with her.

Spanish 202: This is Spanish literature which scares me. At least I'm taking it with one of my really good friends, Beth.

Comm. 397R: This class isn't really a class. Well, it is. It's a practicum course. The teacher is there to be an advisor and supporter and a connection to people. In this class we have to come up with a project, write up a "contract" for the teacher to approve the project, and then fill 32 hours minimum with that project. I'm not so sure what I'm going to do for my project yet.

Comm. 338: Media Planning and Strategies. What a snooze! The first day was a struggle to keep awake and not just because it's in the morning. Hopefully the whole semester is not like that.

So far so good.

Random Sidenote: The mighty three professors who influenced me (I had mentioned that Sister Hansen was in the top 3 of favorites) are Sister Ellen Pearson, Sister Elaine Hawker, and Sister Andra Hansen.

Rush of Emotion

(Author's Note: Be forewarned, the following post is not going to be cheery at all. If you're not in the mood to read something a little more on the down-side...don't read this.)

Almost a year ago, I lost my oldest sister. She practically suffocated one night. It was a random and disturbing thing that I am still trying to come to grips with. The rest of the year last year was spent attempting to return to normalcy despite an inner turmoil that begged me not to let things be normal again. It was quite the paradox. Part of me wanted life to be normal again. Another part of me knew that it would never be the same again. Yet another part of me didn't want it to be normal again simply because normal meant I may forget my sister. I could never forget her completely, but moving on could, in turn, make the memories fade and harder to hold on to.

I've actually been doing a lot better lately. For awhile I worried about my sanity. I'd break down at the stupidest things. To say the least I'm more emotional these days than I ever was before my sister died. When I'm watching a movie and someone dies at the end, I'm usually blubbering like a girl. It's happened a couple times which is quite embarrassing for a guy. You don't really understand death until someone really close to you dies.

I'd thought Christmas would be hard, but I guess I didn't have a lot of time to think about it because it wasn't that bad. Thanksgiving was much harder comparatively. I'm not saying I didn't miss my sister as her daughter was opening presents and having a good ol' time. It just wasn't bad. I think it's cause I had braced myself for a hard time during the holidays. Or I was just too caught up in work and such to really ponder about who was missing from the picture.

I also think that a coping mechanism to grief is that you just become accustomed to the missing piece. You always know that something's not right, but there is rightness in the wrongness because you have told yourself that this is how it has to be for now.

So I got thinking about my sister again tonight because my really good friend's dad passed away today. I got the call at work from another friend. He told me that Matt's dad had a heart attack on Monday. He was doing better and then suddenly took a turn for the worse and passed away earlier this afternoon.

Not only did I ache because of the bad news. No one should have to go through this, but it is our mortal human nature. Everyone will be touched by death. I hurt also because I knew what Matt was going through and what he would be going through for the next few weeks...the next few months...the next year...There will always be that twinge of pain and grief and loss.

After I got the call, I could not concentrate. I tried. But all the old feelings flooded over me in a rush of emotion. Suddenly those feelings I felt when my sister died were fresh again. Like a picked scab, bleeding again. I can still remember how my heart raced when my Dad called me and told me to come to the hospital. My breath echoed in my ears as I grabbed my coat and ran out the door.

The whole ride to the hospital I tried to convince myself that this was all going to be just an episode. Just a fleeting thing. My sister would make it. She would live.

I can remember the tiny waiting room. The impending doom. Waiting. Watching as my mom blamed herself for the whole thing.

I remember my dad coming in and telling us that she did not make it. My mom's groans and whimpers as she cried on my dad's shoulder. My other sister wrapped in her husband's arms as I just sat there, stunned and teary-eyed.

After that everything was a blur. I just remember feeling numb. That had to be part of the body's defenses against grief.

I miss going to the grave. It gave me an excuse to break down instead of putting up a front of strength. As soon as the snow melts, I will go back.

Christmas Preferences

(This (belated) post was taken from the scalliwag Anne's blog)

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I prefer Egg Nog for sure! Someone asked me what egg nog is (they were from Australia...and I couldn't explain what it was...but it sure is good!)

2. Does Santa wrap presents or sit them under the tree? Both

3. Colored lights on the tree/house or white? Ya gotta have a smattering of both although for outside white lights are classy. Depends on the look you're going for.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No

5. When do you put your decorations up? Day after Thanksgiving usually

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Yams

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child: Oh good call, Anne, with the Nativity with the cousins. Good times. I also enjoyed getting up early and waiting for it to be time to wake up my parents. We'd then wrap ourselves in blankets so we couldn't see what Santa brought us as we would run downstairs to wake up our parents. They'd tell us to leave while they got ready. They took FOREVER to get ready. Then we'd take pictures of the tree and of us all in our pj's before tearing into the gifts.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? It just occurred to me over time. I tried to deny it. I think I knew it was all a gag when I was pretty young though.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Nope.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With my hands. How do you decorate yours? HA! The usual...Lights and ornaments.

11. SNOW: Love it or Dread it? Dread it! I've dubbed snow "sky vomit" if that gives you an inkling as to my feelings for the white fluffies.

12. Can you ice skate? Somewhat. Not gracefully at all. Haven't gone ice skating in ages!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I remember getting this huge polar teddy bear that was awesome. Loved him. My most recent favorite gift is the iHome I got this last Christmas. Listening to it right now!

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Trying not to get caught up in the craze of shopping, keeping the "reason for the season" in my mind and heart, and being with family.

15. What is your favorite Holiday dessert? Toast and Hot Chocolate (I agree, Anne)

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? I loved going to my grandparents house for the Christmas party and doing the nativity, and going to Christmas breakfast before driving up to Idaho to visit my other grandma. Recently I've loved the Christmas eve fine china dinner we have. This was the first year we haven't done that in ages. Sad.

17. What tops your tree? Nothing.

18. Do you prefer giving or receiving? Giving

19. Favorite Holiday song: That's like picking a favorite child. I am partial to Carol of the Bells, Silent Night, or O Little Town of Bethlehem.

20 Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Yum--but I gotta be in the mood.