Monday, April 12, 2010

Riddle Me This

Ok, ladies out there...

Riddle me this:

A guy asks if you want to go out sometime. He's clearly nervous. So you say "Yeah sure." Then he gets your number while making an awkward joke about how it's a good idea to have a number if he wants to call you.

He calls you the next night. You don't answer. He leaves a message. Slightly less awkward but still sounds nervous. In the message he says "I will call you another time."

The next day he calls again. Another message. This time a little more relaxed and less awkward. Again, in this message he tells you that he will try again another time."

It's a Saturday. He calls you again in the afternoon, obviously trying different times of the day to see if you're available. This time, at the end of the message, he tells you that, if you want, you can call him after a certain time and he will be available.

That night you don't call.


Is it so much to ask for common courtesy of "Thanks, but no thanks..."? I put myself out there by asking for the number. If you're not interested I will respect you more if you say "No" than if you say "Yeah" and then don't respond when I call.

THIS, my friends, is why I don't date.

So if anybody has any light they can shed on this I'd be glad to know.


  1. My catch is I hate talking on the phone and NEVER listen to voicemail. You'd have to text me. But I don't think most people do that (o:

    However, it is a little awkward to deny someone your number because then you are still there, with them. Yikes.

  2. I think Chilly's got it. It's not the girl trying to be mean. It's her trying to get out of an awkward situation. If she tells you no thanks, she has to say it to your face. Then the awkward moment is face to face. If she gives it to you then she postpones the inevitable. If she answers the phone or calls you back, then the problem comes back. She has to have the awkward moment to your face/voice. If she ignores the calls then the awkward moment is again pushed back to when/if she happens to see you again. And hopefully then she can change the topic quickly so it's not awkward.

    For the record, she isn't thinking all of this when she gives you her phone number. It just sort of… happens.

    And often the actually giving of the phone number is more of a reflex. Someone asks for it, you give it. And if she knows she doesn't want to give it, she probably doesn't have a ready answer prepared. (I know I never did.) So the phone number comes out before she even has a chance to think about what she's doing.

    I'm not justifying it at all. She should at least do the courtesy of answering the phone or calling/texting back.

    Just so you know, telling a boy no to a date is just as terrifying for a girl, if not more so, then it is for a boy to ask a girl on the date in the first place. Boys have to work up the guts to show interest. Girls have to work up the guts to shoot a boy down.

    I mean, really. If you asked for a girl's number and she just looked at you funny and said, "Uhhh. No thanks," how would you react?

    It's easy to do for girls that are jerks. For girls that are nice, it's much, much harder to do without being a jerk. So if a girl does that to you, know it's because she's trying to not be a jerk. In a very ineffective method.

    Umm… end of novel here.

  3. Hmmm...I must be a jerk because I have no problem not giving out a number. I guard my privacy and I don't just want anyone to know it! Sometimes I don't even want the guy to know where I live until I know him better.

    I completely agree that it is unnerving to have to decline a date face to face, but maybe because I've been dating so long now and have horrid experiences, it has gotten much easier. I always feel a twinge of guilt, but would you really want a girl to say yes just so she wouldn't feel guilty?

    Sorry this happened to you. Wish you the best of luck next time! I always find it easier to be friends some other way first to get to know them before the whole "number" thing becomes an issue. Are you friends with her on Facebook? Or do you see her often?

  4. Hmmm...

    I guess it's hard to gauge who is going to be okay with a number denial and who is not. I, for one, would prefer if a girl just says "You seem like a nice guy but I just don't see you and me going anywhere other than friends." I'd be a little hurt, yes, but I'd also have more respect. Although I can see how it would be scary for the girl to say that.

    Kelli: I have seen her when I go to the restaurant where she works but that's it. No big deal.

    I've been rejected before but I think it's kosher for the girl to be up front about it. The whole dating thing has become too passive these days.

  5. How rude! That's all I have to say!

  6. I have been out of the dating game too long to give any really great advice on this one. I was also never shy to say, "I'm sorry. I can't give you my number because..." and then I'd shamelessly lie. Does this make me better or worse than the person who gave the number and then didn't answer? You tell me, but I say I'm better because at least I didn't lead him on. :)

    P.S. the word verification today (you know, so I can leave a comment) is "Shexpin." I looked it up. It isn't a word. But it should be because it's cool! :)

  7. We should come up with a definition for "Shexpin." Then it could be a word. :)

    I totally respect honesty more than leading-on. So, Anne, that makes you better in my book. I think it shows a maturity and confidence that seems to be lacking in the dating world these days. le sigh.

  8. I just want to beat her up for leading you on. Poor form!