Friday, March 12, 2010

Great Idea; Poor Execution

THIS IS MY 100TH POST! Never thought I would make it here.


First I'd like to thank God, my family, my producers Wayne and G-Funk...

Oh wait. Heh. Wrong speech.

Ummm...I'm going to cut to the chase. This is what the post is really about:


1. James Patterson

Dear Mr. Patterson,

I see your books everywhere and they always look so exciting to me. Awhile ago I thought I would give you a try and picked up the first two books in your Maximum Ride series. It's a great idea. Kids being experimented on by some evil scientists, they broke out somehow, and then have to rescue one of their own when they are found again. The wing thing is really cool because, let's face it, who wouldn't want wings? Well, temporarily. I don't think I would want wings all the time. Just when I want to go places really far, really fast.

I am currently over 100 pages into the book and I am soooo bored. Maximum annoys the heck out of me. Why did she decide to save Ella when she was clearly distraught over losing Angel to the Erasers? WHY? Who is this girl? She's obviously important if she's got a whole series. Yet, 100 pages into it, I don't feel like I should care about her. At all. Same goes for the rest of the characters. Really the only one that interests me at all is Fang and that's because he hardly talks. I probably relate to him the most because he is so annoyed with the rest of the flock. (Btw, Flock? Really? Flock of sheep. Or were you thinking flock of geese? It would have been cooler to have them call themselves, I don't know, not a flock.)

And what is with Gasman? Granted, it's kindof funny. But really? What is the purpose of having a farty little kid?

Iggy is cool because he's blind. But this flaw never seems to faze him. At least it hasn't yet. Meh.

Nudge. Another annoying character that does things for no stupid reason. What is her motive? I understand she sees her hometown and wants to find her parents but it feels like you're just dragging out the story just for the sake of drawing out the story. Leave it alone, man. If you wanted to give all this background to the characters, do it before Angel gets captured so I'm not mad at the characters for letting every little thing distract them before they go to save Angel.

Angel. Too malicious and intelligent to be a four year old. Granted, she is supposed to be brilliant and whatever. But I just don't picture even a genius four year old doing half the things she does.

So, Mr. Patterson, I am done reading your book even though I have not finished it. This is a rarity for me but I just don't feel like the story, the characters, nothing in it is worth the suffering.

It's not that I want a lot of depth but is it really too much to ask to get some descriptions of the characters and their surroundings? What about some REASON behind what these characters do? Your characters are way too flighty (that pun was very much not intended).

If this is your best work then I refuse to read anything else done by you.

Have a great day! I'm sure you will continue to make millions off readers who don't know how to tell what is good writing and what is not.

2. Charlaine Harris

Dear Ms. Harris,

Speaking of suffering. I just suffered through the first book in your Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Learn to write, lady.

Bill is dumb. Sookie turns slutty after she has sex with a vampire. The vampires are badass just for the sake of being badass. Boring.

Moving on.

3. Brad Thor

Dear Mr. Thor*,

If you're going to write about Utahns in the first 100 pages of your book and mention the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in any way, shape, or form, you had better have your facts straight. I was disgusted with your treatment of a religion to which I belong. If another religion were handled with such ignorance everyone would be in an uproar, yet it is somehow okay for you to make little unnecessary jabs at the LDS church.

Exhibit A: The little old couple of "Mormons" that get brutally slaughtered because they came home from church early. Yeah. That was abhorrent to me. Not the manner in which they were killed; I don't care about that. What disgusted me was your little tangent about how the woman always defers to the husband, making the LDS church look like it's some anti-feminist organization and it's because of this that the old couple met their gruesome end.

Exhibit B: The cop at the murder scene who gets asked if he's a "member" and the main character is all proud of himself for knowing the lingo. What are we? Aborigines? You feel like you have to speak a certain language to talk to us?

Exhibit C: I don't remember the details of this because by the time I got to this point I was so disgusted with the book, I had to put it down. But there was something about ambulances taking longer on Sundays because it's a church day? WHAT THE HELL? Mr. Thor, do you think Utahns are dumb?

I think this is all a mistake of ignorance. You didn't care if an LDS person picked up your novel. In fact, it seems like you were proud of yourself for what little knowledge you have. Understand your audience when you're writing. The storyline seemed all right but I could not get over the stupidity and ignorance presented about the LDS church.

Only one of the three of the mentioned books was read from beginning to end. I am so, so, so sick of bad writing being praised as wonderful and exciting. Maybe I've become a snob but I don't think it's too much to ask for the books out there to have some sort of depth in them. It's hard not to have some ignorance in books because not everyone knows everything. But when it's done so blatantly...yeah...I have a problem with that. And if you're going to write a vampire book, put a new spin on it. Don't just fit your characters into this little mold of what a vampire should be. Give the reader something more.

If Mr. Patterson, Ms. Harris, or Mr. Thor actually do read this post then I hope they take my words to heart and actually improve their writing.

I vow today that I will avoid bad writing from here on out. I will not force myself to finish a book if it doesn't have well-developed characters, a nice plot with some depth to it, and all the things that people have seemed to have forgotten about. Ya know? The elements that make a good book.

I am an aspiring author and maybe these words will come back to bite me in the butt. Honestly I wouldn't mind if someone wrote a blog like this about my book.

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave. I think this is a lovely 100th post. If I offended anyone...go read the books I mentioned and see if you don't feel the same way.

*Mr. Thor's book I am ranting about is Lions of Lucerne.

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